How can I deal with the ghastly artwork in my office?

One tactic could be to comment on the painting every single time you see it while in the presence of a colleague. You might consider phrases like “Good grief – it’s hideous!“, “Why is that rotting pile of compost framed?” or “I want to fling that thing out the window.” Think of it like a propaganda campaign … against an inanimate object.

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Another tactic might be to do the same thing but in reverse. Gush over the painting while around colleagues, and make your praise sickening – just the most saccharine disgorgement imaginable. Call it “spunky” or “hunky” or other words nobody ever uses anymore to express sexual attraction.

You’ll lose friends and professional credibility, but it will be worth it: your raving commendations will become so insufferable someone will be forced to take matters into their own hands, and you might find the work is flung out the window for you.

Or, what about creating your own piece of art (about the same size would be best)? One day, come into the office earlier than everyone else and simply exchange yours for the other. If the thing is as bad as you say, surely nobody will care that it’s been replaced, even if your own attempt is underwhelming.

When someone inevitably comes across the offending piece where you’ve secreted it – inside the disused 19th century boiler in the haunted basement of your building, probably – I think it’s safe to assume they’ll leave it to be used as a sigil in whatever arcane sorcery the ghosts participate in down there.

If I were going to be more serious for a moment – and I acknowledge that in your longer email you expressly asked me not to be – I would say that there is something genuinely dispiriting about a visually offensive thing being part of your morning work routine. And it’s worse if you’re finding the job itself challenging.

The whole procedure of coming to work – the same car park, the same steps, the same doorway, the same office every morning, five days a week – can quickly go from monotonous to nightmarishly repetitive.

And that same objectionable object – the artwork in your case – just makes this pattern all the more unpleasant. After long enough, such a routine can start to seem inescapable, and it can be useful to take a step back and realise escape is possible.

Even a small change to a morning regimen – a different route, a different entry into the building, a different first task of the day – can break down the sense that everything about work will be the same forever.

That got a bit earnest, so let me leave you with one word for you to interpret in any way you see fit: flamethrower.

Send your questions, whether whimsical, weighty or somewhere in between, to jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au

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